The United States Secret Service is under scrutiny again after former President Donald Trump was the target of a second assassination attempt in less than three months. The Onion examines ways the agency can boost Trump’s security.
Reduce number of ex-goon hires: The fewer agents who stumble into a room saying, “Uhh, what’s dat over there, boss?” the better.
Put Trump in a ghillie suit: By disguising the former president in high-quality camouflage, Trump will be able to wander the swamps and forests of the U.S. safely.
Say “Look! He’s over there!”: This age-old diversion tactic has foiled countless assassination attempts around the world for thousands of years.
Teach Trump the catch-a-bullet-in-your-mouth trick: If David Blaine could do it, then so can our 45th president.
Tweet “If anyone wants to kill Trump, please let us know, thank you,” from the official Secret Service account: Giving potential assassins the opportunity to come forward on their own first only makes sense.
Transport Trump in a big suitcase: No one would suspect a thing.
More team bonding: While not directly tied to Trump’s safety, wouldn’t it be nice if the whole Secret Service team did a bowling night or something? Everyone has been so tightly wound lately.
Change his shoes mid-journey: Even the most skilled tracker will be thrown off by the sudden change in footprints.
Let him wear his Spider-Man costume: Trump knows that Spider-Man is powerful enough to stop bad guys, so being in the costume will help him feel more safe.
Experiment with a four-day workweek: While it may seem counterintuitive at first, studies have shown it can lead to increased productivity and focus among many workers.
Fake his death: Nobody will try to kill a president if they think he’s already dead.
Establish a second, more secret service: And if that fails, a third.
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