NFL Sunday Ticket Allows Viewers To Simulcast Up To 4 Domestic Violence Trials At Once

NEW YORK—Offering football fans the chance to catch every testimony and cross-examination without having to change the channel, NFL Sunday Ticket announced this week that it is now allowing viewers to simulcast up to four domestic violence trials at the same time. “It used to be that we would only have one or two big domestic violence trials with our players, but as the league has grown, fans started to complain that there were sometimes eight different trials they wanted to watch going on at the same time,” said NFL head of marketing Tim Ellis, adding that many fans want to catch local domestic violence trials outside of their market because it looks like a good matchup or has big fantasy implications. “It used to be that you’d be watching the defense on one trial as it tried to discredit the accuser and not realize you were missing a handgun being entered into evidence over on another channel, but with our new ‘NFL Grand Jury’ package on Sunday Ticket you can keep an eye on multiple trials at once and go full screen when the action heats up. It starts at $249.99 but that gets you hundreds of different domestic violence suits to choose from during the year, including civil suits, and the package covers related gun, drug, and reckless driving trials. It’s the best way to watch all the biggest stars in the NFL.” Ellis added that while Grand Jury subscribers will have access to almost every domestic violence trial, the package will not cover NFL Thursday Trials that are licensed exclusively to Amazon Prime.

The Onion