Instagram launched “Teen Accounts” last week, a new effort aimed at protecting users between 13 and 17. Here are some of the features the social media giant has developed to protect minors on the platform.
Beheading limits: Instagram will now nudge teen users once they’ve reached their 60 minutes of daily execution content.
Grooming timer: Parents will now have the ability to restrict the amount of time their children spend talking with middle-aged perverts.
Sleep mode: When a teen tries to open the app between 10 a.m. and 7 a.m., Mark Zuckerberg will appear on their screen and sing a lullaby.
Parental ideology selector: Parents can choose which extreme ideologies they’d like their kids to see content for, and which should be algorithmically suppressed.
Sounds only teens can hear: Teens will be able to add high-pitched tones to their reels and stories that only young ears can detect.
Matt Gaetz auto-block: Underage Instagram users will be automatically prohibited from interacting with the Republican congressman.
Life-clock crystals: All teens will have their palms implanted with a glowing crystal indicating their age according to Meta. At age 18, they will have it removed by undergoing the Rite of the Carousel—or they can take their chances by running.
Loser mode: Teens who are way out of the loop and never know what the fuck everyone is talking about will finally have a fast and easy way to catch up.
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