Amazon Update Says Package Now Arriving When The Sky Shatters, The Sun Shines Black, And Rivers Weep Like Men

READING, PA—Pushing back the order’s previously estimated delivery time of 8:30 this evening, an Amazon update reportedly informed 28-year-old Emily Frakes on Tuesday that her package would now be arriving when the sky shattered, the sun shone black, and rivers wept like men. “I only bought that humidifier because it said two-day delivery—now I’ve got to wait until all language is forgotten and the only sound remaining is the howling of the void?” said the disappointed Amazon Prime member, adding that she would have chosen to make the half-hour drive to Target had she known that raining stars would unite the kingdoms of earth beneath a banner of colorless flame before Amazon brought the household appliance to her door. “I’m definitely mentioning this in my review. It’s bullshit for them to promise one delivery time and then turn around and tell me it’s actually coming when the vengeful seas spit forth terrible leviathans and birth upon their waves a great tempest to wash away all that human hands have wrought.” At press time, Frakes told reporters that she should be entitled to a full refund if her humidifier did not arrive by the time the scalding light of the final dawn rent oblivion’s womb to be born.

The Onion