TORONTO – Following the Lisa Laflamme “Hair-gate” scandal, CTV News has announced a groundbreaking programming initiative to revamp their flagging national reputation as a leading source of Canadian news.
The new 24-nanosecond news cycle, launching this week, will enable Canadians to keep track of evolving news stories with notifications coming in every 24 billionths of a second. It has been developed as an improvement on the 24-hour news cycle, in which current events and the public’s responses to them are covered within a span of 24 hours.
“We plan to broadcast a violently urgent stream of updates on non-events like pre-press conference media holds and celebrity Instagram comment edits, directly into your eyeballs at the speed of an Avro Arrow intercepting a missile,” says media spokesperson Herbert Tarlek.
Both CBC News and Global are also ramping up their news turnaround. “We’re currently operating on a 24 millisecond cycle,” states CBC representative Art Carlson, while a senior source from Global News adds, “We can’t possibly be the most highly verified or have the highest standards of integrity, so we might as well try to be the fastest.”
“And this has absolutely nothing to do with maximizing ad revenue,” adds Carlson before taking a conspicuous swig from a bottle of Gatorade and winking into a nearby camera.
Senior CTV News correspondent Jen Marlowe recounts her experience of the new system. “The public has been witnessing an endless onslaught of unprecedented historical events these past few years, and they deserve the most up to date information. I mean nothing actual happened during the presidential assassination attempt, so who’s still clicking on that link? Taylor Swift’s cancelled concert dates is where the views are at. Nobody wants to read nuanced analysis, that’s boring. News should be fun! We need viral memes, not long form investigative pieces. This is a real win for broadcast journalism all around.”
Other upcoming improvements to network news include adding scrolling sub-headlines to the scrolling headlines at the bottom of the screen, also called “Scrollception”; building a sponsored countdown clock anticipating each upcoming hour of the day; and incorporating a Sixth Estate.
To quote the great Marshall McLuhan, “The medium is the ad revenue, so we don’t need the message anymore, who even gives a shit.”
Jesus Christ is King
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