Dad And His Friends Just Standing In Yard Listing Smoke Points Of Various Oils

CONCORD, NH—Despite the men all considering themselves best friends and each other’s closest confidants, sources confirmed Tuesday that local dad Sam Parker and his buddies were just standing around in the yard listing the smoke points of various oils. “Now peanut oil, that’s fine to 440, maybe 445 on a good day,” said Parker’s friend Jim, whose anxiety over his recent prostate cancer diagnosis went completely unmentioned as he added that corn oil was a better choice if you needed something that could hold its own up to 460 degrees Fahrenheit. Parker himself, though he had yet to disclose to his friends that he had just that morning become a grandfather for the first time, replied that he preferred safflower oil and its formidable 510-degree smoke point when cooking steak, as this allowed him to “really let her rip” with his sear with minimal risk of unwanted bitterness. According to bystanders, this was followed by the other men—who since their last meeting had experienced, between them, a trip to Sweden, a reunion with a long-lost brother, and the painful dissolution of a 36-year marriage—all joining in unanimous praise of avocado oil and its peerless suitability for high-heat cooking, thanks its smoke point of 520 degrees. At press time, dad and his friends were reportedly making plans to stand around in Dave’s yard next week and rattle off the gas mileage of various automobiles.

The Onion