ROME—In a discovery shedding light on the earliest days of God’s only son, biblical scholars revealed Wednesday that Mary stole the idea for Jesus’ baby name from her best friend. “According to some newly unearthed records from the time, we can confirm with some amount of certainty that Mary actually got the idea for the name ‘Jesus’ from her friend Tabitha, who was pregnant at the same time she was,” said biblical archaeologist Giovanni Agosti, describing a detailed account of the incident that is suspected to have been written by Tabitha due to its repeated descriptions of Mary as a “total bitch” who ruined a perfectly enjoyable baby shower, all because she couldn’t come up with a decent baby name on her own. “From what we can tell from this tablet, this caused a lot of drama in Mary and Tabitha’s friend group. It didn’t help that when Tabitha ended up going with Thaddeus, her second-choice name for her newborn, Mary allegedly remarked that the name was cliché. It took a toll on their friendship, but ultimately Tabitha is the reason we know Christ by the name Jesus.” At press time, another tablet was reportedly uncovered that describes Mary and Tabitha’s disastrous joint gender-reveal party, which ended with a fistfight between the two pregnant women.
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