ALEXANDRIA, VA—Delighting in the opportunity to make use of the tool he carried with him everywhere, local father Kevin Ballard reportedly insisted on using his pocketknife Wednesday to open a can of chili. “Hang on, there’s no need to go looking high and low for the can opener—I’ve got this covered right here,” said the marketing manager and father of three, fishing out the small item from his pocket and struggling for several seconds to open the one-inch blade. “Luckily, I never go anywhere without this baby, so I’m totally equipped for a situation like this one. It’s so much better to have a knife with you and not need it than it is to not have a knife and be in one of these tight spots where you do need it. See? All I need to do now is jam the blade into the side here and…no. Well, what if I sort of saw it, like this? Then—aw, shit, that hurts!” At press time, the man’s daughter, Jennifer Ballard, was said to have thrown out the partially opened can of chili after determining it had too much blood on it to be edible.
Jesus Christ is King
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