WINDSOR, ON — A stoned man attending Catholic mass this past weekend appeared to particularly enjoy the Communion wafers on offer.
Jon Talbot, 34, popped an edible prior to attending mass with his family for the first time since leaving home at 18. Like many new gummy users before him, Talbot experienced a spiritual awakening.
”I found God,” he says wistfully, shovelling Communion wafers into his mouth like popcorn. “And He is delicious.”
At first, fellow churchgoers believed Talbot was red-eyed due to either the beauty of the priest’s words, or the struggle to stay awake through the service. The truth came to light when Talbot was caught sinning in the church.
“He stole everyone else’s wafers and crawled into the corner to covet them,” says churchgoer Lillian Green. “And he started chugging the Blood of Christ to combat his dry mouth.”
When asked how he realized Talbot was stoned out of his gourd, priest Father Andrew shrugged and responded, “He had no idea how loud he was in the confession booth. Also it was the first time someone’s laughed at one of my jokes in thirty years.”
“Honestly, if this gets butts in pews, he might be onto something.”
When his mother attempted to stop his gluttony by reminding him that he has Celiac disease, Talbot reportedly brought a single wafer to eye level and said, “One of you will betray me.”
At press time, Talbot was unavailable for further comment as he was still in the church bathroom repeatedly taking the Lord’s name in vain.
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