BAKERSFIELD, VT—Having proclaimed the word of the Lord Almighty before a humble, trembling man, the Archangel Michael reportedly hung around after delivering the divine message Friday in hopes of receiving a tip. “So was everything okay with your holy revelation? I’ll probably head back to heaven soon if that’s it—just a reminder that my name is Michael if you need anything else,” the towering archangel said as he rocked back and forth on his heels expectantly, twiddling a feather on one of his enormous wings while he waited for the man to take out his wallet. According to reports, the archangel then conspicuously cleared his throat to make sure the awestruck man noticed he was still there, after which he drummed his fingers upon the hilt of his flaming sword and passive-aggressively remarked that it really wasn’t cheap doing upkeep on a blade of that kind. At press time, sources confirmed the archangel had asked the man if he could use his bathroom.
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