SANTA CLARITA, CA—Staring down at the text message in horror and realizing that he had been brilliantly outplayed, local man Jonathan Garner told reporters Monday that his friend had set an inescapable social trap by proposing three possible dates to hang out. “Goddamn it, he got me—how am I supposed to get out of grabbing drinks on either Wednesday night, Sunday afternoon, or two Fridays from now?” said Garner, who hung his head in frustration after realizing that his overeager, socially starved friend had spent months slowly backing him into a corner until he finally ran out of plausible excuses to meet up for a couple of hours. “Even if I somehow get out of hanging out this Wednesday and Sunday, there’s no way I can say I’m still ‘super busy with work’ two weeks from now. God, I’m such an asshole. Maybe I’ll just say something vague, like some family stuff came up.” At press time, Garner could reportedly be heard screaming in agony after his friend put the final nail in his coffin with a polite “No worries, I’m happy to work around your schedule!”
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