ACTON, MA—Finding a massive disparity in driver savviness across different parts of the road, a report released Monday confirmed that the cars in the other lane were all a bunch of suckers. “Look at those rubes just inching along like a funeral procession while this lane’s zipping past ’em like the Indy 500,” the report read in part, going on to speculate that those chumps over there must actually like sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic all day, given that they had rejected the obvious superiority of the lane in which sources were reportedly cruising ahead without a care in the world. “Those cretins might as well be parked. They have no idea what they’re missing out on over here. So long, losers! Driving’s a lot more fun when you know how to pick the winning lane!” At press time, after the other lane became the faster of the two, a supplemental report was issued stating that the cars over there were a bunch of assholes who wouldn’t let anybody merge.
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