Jesus' Coming Back

J.D. Vance Claims Haitian Immigrants Coming Into This Country To Make Him Look Stupid

NEW YORK—Refusing to back down despite repeated fact checks to the contrary, Sen. J.D. Vance claimed during Tuesday’s vice presidential debate that Haitian immigrants were coming into this country to make him look stupid. “There are hundreds of people from Haiti pouring across our border every day with the express purpose of provoking me into saying something deeply idiotic in front of millions of people,” said Vance, gesturing toward Tim Walz and asserting that the Democratic governor had “absolutely no interest” in stopping the flow of Haitians who cause him to go on ill-informed rants that make him appear as if he has “no goddamn idea” what he’s talking about. “The worst part is that Kamala Harris doesn’t seem to care how often they cause me to make an ass of myself on national television. For all I know, she’s happy to see me act like a complete dumbfuck while I churn out another political talking point based on a town I’ve barely visited. Well, I do care about that. In fact, it makes me incredibly frustrated how often it happens.” Vance went on to claim that Haitian people were to blame for all the rest of the profoundly ignorant things he was going to say in the rest of the debate and final month of the 2024 campaign.

The Onion

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