School Shooters Distance Themselves From Tim Walz

U.S. — After Minnesota Governor and U.S. Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz claimed he was friends with them in Tuesday night’s debate, school shooters across the nation were quick to distance themselves from “that total weirdo.”

A spokesperson for the National Association of School Shooters clarified that “we didn’t really know him all that well” and “our moms just made us hang out with him and invite him to our birthday parties sometimes.”

“Yeah, we weren’t, like, friends or anything,” said Vance Walberry, who attempted a school shooting in Minnesota in 1982 but was tackled by the high school quarterback. “He was kinda strange. Kept lurking around the boys’ bathroom asking if anyone needed a tampon.” Walberry shook his head. “We don’t want anything to do with a freak like that.”

Evidence has emerged that supports the school shooters’ claims, as photos recently surfaced showing Walz sitting in the back of a school classroom sticking pencils in his mouth to look like a walrus while a group of future school shooters point and laugh at him. Another photo clearly shows Walz stuffed into a trash can. One teacher came forward to say that while the school shooters were obviously odd and off-putting, Walz was “a genuine fruitcake” and once tried out for the part of Sandy in a school production of Grease.

“Yeah, we were barely acquaintances. Only really talked to him when the teacher made us group up with him for a school project,” said Paul Cronenworth, a Minnesota State University school shoooter. “And then while the rest of the group was doing all the work, he kept putting Bugles on his fingers and saying, ‘Look at my manicure, I’m a pretty lady!'”

“Weird dude.”

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