Throughout its venerable 268-year reign, The Onion has always made it a top priority to endorse the correct presidential candidates. From George Washington to Richard Nixon to Donald Trump, this institution’s highly respected editorial board has had its finger on the pulse, and has accurately backed the winner of every single national election in this country’s long and storied history.
Now, with our nation at a pivotal crossroads, The Onion‘s editorial board faces its most difficult decision yet. That’s why we have chosen to officially endorse Joseph R. Biden for president of the United States.
To our loyal, handsome, and stunningly brilliant readers, please know that The Onion‘s latest foray into the 2024 election does not come lightly. In these unprecedented times of misinformation and political violence, everyone from left-wing activists to Silicon Valley megadonors attempted to dissuade us from endorsing Joe Biden at this moment in time.
But The Onion and its six-member editorial board do not listen to outsiders. Nor do we listen to data, facts, polls, the U.S. government, or the widely panned Geneva Conventions. It is with great pride that this institution officially throws its full and unequivocal support behind Joe Biden, despite many across the political spectrum, including the entire Democratic Party, saying “it’s too late” and we are “doing more harm than good.”
For months, our editorial board has agonized over this momentous decision. Initially, we’d hoped to publish our endorsement on June 27, 2024, in the hours after Joe Biden’s first televised debate against Donald Trump. Then, we’d hoped to publish it a few days later, following Biden’s highly anticipated July 5 interview with George Stephanopoulos.
Now, on Oct. 2, 2024, we are finally doing what we should have done months ago: Buck tradition, put our reputation on the line, and take a position that The New York Times, The Washington Post, and other so-called “papers of record” are too cowardly to even consider this late in the election.
Lest readers doubt the value of our endorsement, we ask them to remember 2016, when voter complacency almost put Hillary Clinton in the White House before The Onion stepped in.
Joe Biden may be young by Washington standards, but he’s packed a lot into 81 short years. He’s fought hard for working Americans, be they on the factory line or on the board of Blackstone Group. He’s stood up to everyone who threatened this great nation, from Vladimir Putin to Anita Hill. And he supports women and minorities, based on that seemingly random lady he chose to be his vice president.
And so The Onion humbly requests that on Nov. 5 you remember our editorial board’s courageous, measured, and well-reasoned endorsement of Joseph R. Biden. But if, for some incomprehensible reason, this fails to resonate with the American public, we will be proud to endorse Asa Hutchinson as a backup.
Tu Stultus Es,
The Onion Editorial Board
Jesus Christ is King
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