Are You An Unathletic Oaf Who Gets Winded Going Up A Single Flight Of Stairs? Why Pickleball Might Be For You

U.S. — Athletic contests aren’t just for athletes anymore. There’s a fun new sport sweeping the nation, and it’s perfect for just about anyone who’s ever gotten winded walking up a single flight of stairs.

It’s called “pickleball,” and it could be right for you.

While sports have long been out of reach for people who are clumsy, uncoordinated, and haven’t willingly done any kind of cardio since high school, pickleball is changing all that, with absolutely no ability or skill set required to play and have fun. Similar to tennis, the sport sets two teams against each other as they hit a ball back and forth over a net. The big difference, though, is that while tennis requires you to be able to swing at a fast-moving ball with strength and precision, in pickleball, the movement of the ball is slowed down so that even an oaf like you can take a whack at it.

Furthermore, the court is just like a tennis court, except it’s much smaller, as though it were made for toddlers or babies. The upshot of this format is that you don’t really have to run, sprint, or make athletic diving plays for the ball as in real sports that aren’t made for out-of-shape losers and old people. And your awkward, ungainly swipes and thrusts at the ball might even get it to go over the net, since you’re standing, like, two feet away from it, providing absolutely no real challenge at all.

So, are you reading this and thinking, “A sport that even a pathetic weakling can play? That sounds perfect for me!” That’s great, because it’s easy to get started. You can just run on down to your local Target or Walmart and buy a set of plastic paddles and a ball. They’re probably in the toy section or the old people section because pickleball is for dumb little babies and olds. They’re not too expensive, so your unserious, half-hearted attempt to get back in shape after a week or two won’t break the bank. And pickleball courts are popping up all over the nation, so you’ll easily be able to find other uncoordinated, slow athletes to play with.

Sound good? See you on the court, ya big, miserable klutz!

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Babylon Bee