VALDOSTA, GA—Urging first responders to act quickly after he spotted the placard amongst the wreckage, a heartbroken Donald Trump clutched a limp campaign lawn sign Thursday that had been washed away by Hurricane Helene. “Please, hurry, we don’t have much time,” a visibly panicked Trump said during his visit to a storm-ravaged Georgia town, sobbing after he dropped to his knees, dug through a pile of flood debris, and uncovered a tattered piece of cardboard emblazoned with the words “TRUMP VANCE 2024.” “Stay with me, little buddy. You’re going to be okay. We’re going to fix you up as good as new and put you right back in your family’s front yard where you belong. Then we’ll win this election together. You’ll see!” At press time, sources confirmed Trump had been evacuated by Secret Service and placed under suicide watch after saying he could not allow the sign to die alone and that he would see it in heaven.
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