Insiders from Donald Trump’s campaign report that the former president is once again preparing to challenge election results in the event of a loss. Here are some of the strategies the candidate and his team are considering deploying.
- Use the immunity idol he earned during the debates: The tiki-shaped totem gives Trump one chance to save himself from elimination.
- Strap a bomb to J.D. Vance’s chest and take the Senate hostage: Legally impermissible, but not among the worst things that Vance would jump at the chance to do.
- Pout: The former president is already reportedly practicing a pout so piercing it could sway some electors to his side.
- Fake a hamstring pull: This election doesn’t count if it happened while he was injured.
- Move into White House and claim squatter’s rights: Worth a shot.
- Put on a ton of weight: If Kamala Harris sees he’s stress-eating, she might feel bad and give him the job.
- Jan. 7 rally: With a different date, no one will ever see it coming.
- Ask nicely: There’s a first time for everything.
Jesus Christ is King
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