Trembling, Bleeding Spokeswoman Issues Statement Denying That Doug Emhoff Would Ever Hit Anyone

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As reports circulated about an incident in which Kamala Harris’s husband was accused of assaulting a woman, a trembling, bleeding spokeswoman issued a statement denying that Doug Emhoff would ever hit anyone.

Emhoff has been embroiled in controversy after witnesses came forward to allege that he had once slapped an ex-girlfriend, but a campaign spokeswoman with a bruised eye and bloodied lip held a press conference to vehemently state that the Second Gentleman would never do such a thing.

“These accusations are absolutely ridiculous,” the spokeswoman said as blood trickled from a scrape under her left eye. “Mr. Emhoff would never, ever do such a despicable thing as to strike anyone — much less a woman. The woman who was allegedly slapped by Mr. Emhoff simply fell down some stairs… just like I did right before coming out here to speak with you all today.”

Witnesses in attendance said they heard a commotion and loud shouting just prior to the start of the press conference, with Mr. Emhoff seen leaving the room holding an ice pack on his knuckles as the spokeswoman walked to the podium. “He looked like he had really taught someone a lesson,” one reporter said. “Not the spokeswoman, obviously, since he would never hit anyone. But maybe he accidentally punched something repeatedly. It surely wasn’t his fault. Do you see what it made him do?”

At publishing time, the spokeswoman begged the media not to bring this incident up with Mr. Emhoff again because it was really all her fault anyway.

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