BUTLER, PA — As an additional measure of security for his return to Butler, former President Trump will give his rally speech while wearing a helmet of Mandalorian armor.
“Best armor in the galaxy, that’s what everyone is saying,” said Trump. “I don’t like what it does to my voice, though. Whoa! Does everyone else hear me like I’m hearing me?”
Although Secret Service has taken extra precautions for Trump’s return, the Trump campaign felt it could take no chances. “The Secret Service promised to hang up signs saying ‘No Assassins Allowed,’ but I’m still uneasy,” said campaign manager Darryl Rove. “It’s only been a few months for Secret Service to update their training, and there’s still a lot of sloped roofs out there. I’d feel a lot better with the Mandalorian helmet sitting on top of Mr. Trump.”
Fashioned out of the rare metallic alloy known as “beskar,” the Mandalorian helmet is thought to be the most advanced armor in the galaxy. “It looks amazing, I’ll say that, very suave,” said Trump, surveying his new look. “It’s a heavy tint, very dark – sure wouldn’t be shooting a blaster with this thing on, I’ll tell you that right now. It would be a bad miss, very bad, just like the polls. I wish I had a Baby Yoda, have you seen him? He’s so small, so funny, I really like that guy, Baby Yoda.”
At publishing time, aides had reportedly spent the past hour telling Mr. Trump to take off the helmet to hear, but the former President was having none of it.
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