TORONTO – After years of blaming inflation for raising prices on groceries, Canadian grocery chain behemoth Loblaws has announced that the current low interest rate environment will also require them to raise prices for, um, reasons.
“Everyone knows inflation and not corporate greed is the reason feeding a family of four now costs more than the average household income,” said Galen Weston. “But what they don’t realize is that when interest rates get too low, money actually becomes cheaper, which means it costs less for us to buy things, so naturally we buy more and borrow more to invest with, and then we have to pay for those things, so we have to make a single pear 8 dollars.”
“It’s just basic math.”
Loblaws proved the fiscal reality with a powerpoint slide full of arrows doubling back and over each other in a kind of loop before arriving at a point labelled “give us all your money”.
“It seems like a bullshit argument,” said shopper Kayley Tardif. “But if I’m being honest I didn’t really understand it when inflation was making prices go up, I just pretended to so I wouldn’t seem stupid.”
Other factors contributing to Loblaws making the tough choice to increase prices include the weather being a bit warm for this kind of year and that probably had an impact on the crops somehow, increased costs on purchasing the self-checkout machines they’ve replaced all their employees with and harsh vibes.
“It sucks. But there just isn’t anything we can do,” added Weston as he just added a whole bunch of zeroes to the price on some boneless chicken.
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