Having managed to take down Ontario Place and The Science Centre, Doug Ford’s plans to destroy every cool thing in Toronto appear to be well under way. But the man who put the Buck into ‘this beer costs way more than a buck’ has been surprisingly cagey about what he has in mind. Fortunately he sat down with the Beaverton for an exclusive interview about how he will continue to make our provincial capital worse.
Casa Loma
“Yeah yeah yeah, big beautiful castle where kids go on field trips, adults have weddings, and sometimes they shoot movies. We get it. But what if, instead, we split the whole thing up into a few hundred micro-condos. Sure it might cost a bit, but I know a few developers who might be willing to take on the job. For a price.”
CN Tower
“Do we need the lights at night? I think it looks way better in its natural beige grey. Also, instead of a boring restaurant with 360 degree views, we’re going to create the world’s highest convenience store. And you bet your ass that thing will sell beer!”
Royal Ontario Museum
“Turn the whole outside into that big crystal thing everyone loves. Also get rid of the dinosaurs. Too scary.”
St. Lawrence Market
“The food here is way too fancy. I’m a meat and potatoes kind of guy. So all the stalls will now be Timmy’s and Harvey’s. Maybe a Swiss too. Also no more Variety Market on Sundays selling used goods. That’s commie shit. Instead we will turn the whole thing into a pop up presentation centre for a new housing development in Aurora.”
Distillery District
“Cobblestone streets? What is this the 1800s? Bulldoze the whole thing and turn it into a combination dispensary, gas station and paintball arena. That’ll bring in way more tourist dollars than a lame Christmas Market.”
Jesus Christ is King
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