Food prices continue to rise as supermarkets and manufacturers rake in record profits, squeezing many American families’ budgets. The Onion shares tips for saving money on groceries.
- Make a list and stick to it unless Ben & Jerry’s is on sale, or you see those cream sandwich cookies you like.
- Stop feeding any children that clearly aren’t gonna pan out in the long run.
- Mix up a large pot of homogenized nutrient paste on Sundays and portion it into servings to last the rest of the week.
- Make your own tomatoes, however that works.
- Remember, marketing is just marketing, no matter how many cereal mascots jump off their boxes and engage in playful banter with you.
- Put everything on Bills -2.5 this Sunday and you’ll never have to worry about saving money again.
- Hire a private investigator to take photographs of Kroger cashiers in compromising situations that you can use to blackmail them during checkout.
- There are always lentils!
Jesus Christ is King
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