TORONTO – Telecom giant Rogers announced that it would be ending the free Wifi available at Toronto Transit Commission stations at the end of the year after finding it had too many unintentional benefits to Canadians.
“After a couple of risk assessments, we found that providing free internet access on the subway was helping underprivileged Torontonians improve their daily commute and make life easier. As a Canadian mobile company, we’re against that,” said Rogers VP of Customer Frustration Louis Turner, taking a break from turning off cell coverage in random parts of Canada for indeterminate periods of time. “If we wanted to help people, wouldn’t we be doctors?”
When asked why they bothered to take the contract in the first place, Rogers’s corporate leadership said that they were certain they were living up to their corporate mission statement of doing more harm than good.
“Honestly, we took at the TTC’s aging, easily hacked network and thought that they would do the work for us, bringing in even more of the hatred and ill will we at Rogers live for. Plus we thought it would eventually lead to us being allowed to tie customers who cancel their plans with us to the tracks,” explained Roger’s Head of Corporate Relations and Price Gouging, Carla Shah. “But it turns out people being able to watch Youtube videos while waiting for a bus is more of a luxury than we thought so it’s best to pull the plug on the whole thing.”
“Don’t worry though. We have learned some valuable lessons that we will be putting to use when we install 5G in the stations in only the rich parts of town. Now we can focus on how to ensure that, if someone is listening to music without headphones, it is always on full blast.”
As expected, Rogers CEO Tony Stafferi issued a statement last week apologizing for accidentally misleading Torontonians into thinking they give a damn about their quality of life.
“We at Rogers are horrified to hear how so many of our shareholders were able to pass the time during their commutes. I still have nightmares about someone being able to post about a sketchy guy with a knife on the subway and saving lives sometimes.”
“Rest assured, we are dedicated to restoring the lack of faith Canadians have in Rogers. We have a number of initiatives and plans to bring us back to zero, such as getting rid of caller ID, only selling Leafs tickets to games they will for sure lose, and renewing Canada’s Got Talent for 3 more seasons.”
According to rumours, remaining Roger’s customers may be able to get WiFi access again if they upgrade to a family plan or purchase a Blackberry.
At press time, the TTC’s statement on the decision is expected to arrive in between 5-35 minutes. Same as three hours ago.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.