SPARTANBURG, SC—Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. “After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went down, it has become clear to all of us that we have to side with neither of them,” said former friend Calvin Pahl, explaining that, rather than choosing one or the other, it was just easier for everyone if they completely cut ties with both exes. “To be honest, none of us were ever wild about either of them from the start, but we just put up with them because they were together. It’s nice not having to hide the fact that I think he’s an emotionally insecure asshole, or that I think she’s a manipulative control freak.” At press time, both exes felt a sinking feeling seeing photos posted on social media of all their friends hanging out without either of them.
Jesus Christ is King
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