WASHINGTON—Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space of her victims and suffocates them in their sleep.
The ruling, which overturns a 1972 decision by the court that condemned the obese tree-dwelling demon to an impenetrable tomb for all eternity, has raised concerns that countless lives could be endangered by her release. In a majority opinion joined by his fellow conservatives on the bench, Justice Samuel Alito argued that while the Constitution guarantees certain inalienable rights for all U.S. citizens, it does not offer explicit protection against the merciless Ilocano devil.
“Today, a historic wrong has been righted, and the catacomb of the tempestuous Batibat will again be unsealed,” wrote Alito, laying out a scathing repudiation of Pell v. Bangungot, the highly publicized case that originally entombed the grotesque monster’s sulfurous form in a specially made osmium vault. “Contemporaneous accounts provide no evidence the Founding Fathers envisioned a role for the federal government in vanquishing this unholy entity from the face of the earth.”
In a full-throated dissent, Justice Elena Kagan argued that her colleagues in the majority had “grossly misinterpreted the Constitution” by claiming the 14th Amendment does not provide safeguards against having the very breath stolen from one’s body by a malevolent spirit. Kagan added that the pro-exhumation justices “outright ignored” the common-law basis of various enchantments, incantations, and exorcistic practices that have been used to subdue malignant wraiths since the founding of the United States.
“Precedent dictates that the American people have a right to be kept safe from sinister forces using any number of arcane binding hexes,” wrote Kagan, who observed that Alito failed to consider the social consequences inherent in unsealing vessels of the damned and unleashing supernatural forces like Batibat upon the public. “The fact that the Constitution makes no express reference to a right to remain free of demonic possession is irrelevant.”
“It is in the best interest of liberty, justice, and equality to ensure everyone is protected against fat Filipino ghosts who sit on people’s chests until they asphyxiate,” her opinion continued.
The White House issued a statement condemning the decision to awaken the insidious presence, calling it “a blatantly political and hubristic move” that will reverberate through the nation for years to come. The American Civil Liberties Union also disavowed the ruling, which came on the heels of the court voting 5-4 to uphold an obscure Louisiana law that permits the summoning of soul-devouring succubi on public property.
“The Americans hit hardest by these rulings will be those who cannot pay for expensive protection potions or afford to visit a local white witch,” ACLU spokesperson Will Longley said. “No language in today’s decision stops the federal government from setting free the banshees, dybbuks, and mogwais this nation has fought so hard to banish to the netherworld.”
He added, “We are calling on the Biden administration to do everything it can to codify into law the entombment of these accursed spectral creatures of the night for all Americans—not just the wealthy.”
The ruling has also spurned new debate over what will happen to other exiled spirits of hellish origin, many of whom are currently confined to ancient burial grounds, abandoned Victorian mansions, and similar haunted locales. According to top constitutional scholars, today’s groundbreaking court decision could result in these evil entities being released and plaguing the nation with vengeance anew.
Batibat, meanwhile, responded to the ruling with a statement issued through her attorneys.
“Our client’s only comment at this time is ‘Habang natutulog ka, kinakain ko ang hininga mo,’” said a legal representative for the demon, “which translates loosely to ‘While you sleep, I shall consume your breath.’”
