CHICAGO—Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicago’s residents. “Back home, we don’t have anything this massive, you know?” said Jensen, who had to back up several yards just to fit the entirety of the Chicago resident in the frame of her camera. “I’ve seen photos of Chicago natives on the internet before, but they look even bigger in person! Just look at the shadow this one is casting. I heard you can see some of them all the way from the other side of the lake in Indiana.” At press time, Jensen admitted that Chicago’s residents seemed far more shabby and outdated than expected.
