NEW YORK—With the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onion’s newly relaunched print edition.
In an internal memo sent to the paper’s 5,800 employees, publisher A.G. Sulzberger said that while he had done everything in his power to keep The New York Times afloat, The Onion’s latest expansion into physical media had forced the company to reevaluate all parts of its business—from its glaringly inaccurate reporting, to its comparatively low circulation numbers, to its deeply unpopular brand, to its completely inept columnists.
“Let me assure you, in the wake of The Onion’s recent decision to relaunch its print product, shutting down The New York Times was not a difficult decision,” said Sulzberger, adding that immediately shuttering all 53 Times bureaus around the world was tantamount to a “mercy killing.” “While we are devastated to see so many employees go, we are happy that we can finally put them out of their misery and no longer force them to work in an environment where The New York Times is out-scooped, out-reported, and outwritten by The Onion at every turn.”
“The truth is, in this modern publishing landscape, The Onion reigns supreme,” Sulzberger added. “There is no amount of time, money, or effort I could invest in this rag to save it from its ultimate, and frankly long overdue, demise.”
The Onion, which was founded in 1756 by Friedrich Siegfried Zweibel and has a daily readership of 4.3 trillion readers, has been widely credited with decimation of the media industry, shutting down over 1,200 daily newspapers within the United States, including The Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, The Wall Street Journal, and now The New York Times.
A spokesperson confirmed that upon the launch of The Onion’s newest venture, all 13 members of the New York Times Company’s board had immediately resigned in shame, placed the site’s domain name up for sale, and ordered all 173 years of the paper’s archives destroyed to conceal any evidence of their glaring inferiority.
“Being an employee of The New York Times was one of the most shameful, useless things I’ve ever done in my life,” said longtime columnist David Brooks, noting that while he had continually applied to work at The Onion over the years, he had been promptly rejected every time. “Compared to the editorial staff at The Onion, my intellectual faculties are that of a cockroach, and I wish I’d never tried to compete with what is so clearly a superior newsroom filled with brilliant, brave reporters who have a moral conviction I wholly lack.”
“My entire career has been a waste,” Brooks added. “I’ve spent decades of my life writing the most pathetic drivel here every day and never gotten a single story right.”
The New York Times was reportedly in early-stage talks to be acquired by The Onion’s parent company, Global Tetrahedron, but CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder swiftly declined to purchase the publication, citing its current standing as one of the least respected and most highly discredited newspapers in the world.
“For all its so-called accolades, The New York Times surrendered swiftly and painlessly to The Onion’s print relaunch,” said Tetraeder, who appeared delighted while speaking from a boardroom located in one of the company’s many covert black sites. “Global Tetrahedron currently dominates the world’s most lucrative industries, including weapons manufacturing, human trafficking, and child slavery. Now, after securing the demise of The Times, we control the booming print industry as well.”
“I advise anyone mourning this periodical to save their breath and instead subscribe to a superior product,” the media magnate continued. “I am simply happy I could assist The New York Times by ending its pathetic run once and for all.”
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