Embarrassed Baal Admits He Actually Was Relieving Himself During Altar Duel With Elijah

MOUNT CARMEL — As the prophets of Baal were being executed at the brook of Kishon, a sheepish Baal finally arrived on Mount Carmel, hours after the prophet Elijah had mocked him for having to relieve himself, admitting that he actually was on the toilet the whole time.

“Sorry I’m late, I had a burrito for lunch and it wasn’t agreeing with me,” Baal said as he arrived. “Now where’s this altar I’m supposed to set on fire?”

But the mountaintop had been abandoned, save for the ruins of a stone altar constructed by Elijah which the Lord had burned with fire.

“Hey, where’d you guys go?”

According to sources, Baal then looked down the mountain toward the brook of Kishon where his prophets were being killed.

“Man, I am having a real serious case of the Mondays,” Baal said.

Elijah had challenged the prophets of Baal to a “god off”, instructing them to offer up a bull on a wooden altar, but not to light it with fire. “You call upon the name of your god, and I will call upon the name of the actual real God, and the one that answers by fire, he is God,” Elijah had said.

When Baal failed to show, even after his prophets cut themselves while crying out for him, Elijah joked that Baal must be busy relieving himself, a joke that Baal found quite offensive when he heard about it later.

“Elijah is so mean,” the demon masquerading as a Canaanite god said after he heard what had happened. “There are half a dozen reasons I could be held up but he goes straight to poop? So childish. It’s embarrassing.”

At publishing time, Baal traveled to Assyria where he knew he could be appreciated.

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