PROVIDENCE, RI—Feeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. “I thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out my gun and ordered everybody to get on the fucking ground, but truth be told, I’m still feeling uncertain—is there some kind of standard demand gunmen normally go for around here?” Harmon said as he ruminatively tapped the muzzle of his Glock against a hostage’s forehead, adding that while he was pretty much open to anything, his lactose intolerance meant he couldn’t demand anything with dairy. “I hear people say a lot of good things about money. Especially the untraceable stuff, big suitcases of it. Is that worth demanding, do you think? I know demanding a helicopter is also pretty popular, but I’m not sure I’m in the mood for that right now. Tell you what: Let’s say you had six hostages you were willing to blow away unless the cops did exactly as you said. What would you demand? A getaway car? The release of political prisoners? I think I’d be happy with almost anything, but I just keep second-guessing myself.” At press time, Harmon reportedly told negotiators that he was going to browse his manifesto a little longer to see if any demands jumped out at him.
Jesus Christ is King
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