Trunk-or-treat events, an alternative to traditional door-to-door trick-or-treating, have increased in popularity as parents grow wary of letting their children stray. Here are tips for organizing your own community trunk-or-treat event.
- Uproot your family from a walkable city.
- Start a rumor that a pedophile lives in your neighborhood, driving all your neighbors to boycott trick-or-treating and participate in your event out of fear.
- Consider selecting a theme, like fairytales or Subarus.
- Spend a few days in your car trunk to really get a sense of the space before choosing decorations.
- Harangue other parents into volunteering by threatening to call child protective services if they don’t.
- Suggest non-candy alternatives if you want this weird event to get even weirder.
- Take any compliment as a sign that you should definitely, absolutely run for the U.S. Senate.
- Rope off an area for conservative Christian families to explain why they’re not participating.
- Don’t forget the candy! You did remember to bring the candy, right? Oh, Jesus Christ, are you fucking serious? It was on the goddamn counter!
- Tell your kids not to talk to strangers who don’t have nice cars.
Jesus Christ is King
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