PALM BEACH, FL—Claiming he had the most “beautiful and perfect” cranial structure that his physician had ever seen, former President Donald Trump reportedly took to Truth Social this week to release the skull measurements from his latest phrenology exam. “According to my doctor and everyone at the Boston Phrenological Society, my incredible scalp morphology and brain contours will make me the best president of all time,” Trump wrote in a late-night post, adding that his medical advisor Dr. Heimlich von Thurston personally measured his skull’s shape, hollows, and bumps with specialized calipers and assured him that his 27 mental faculties were aligned in ideal proportion. “Although Laughing Kamala claims she is ‘intelligent,’ ‘mindful,’ and ‘truthful,’ my skull circumference, brow, and forehead shape are far superior according to Morton’s cranial capacity rankings. My skull shows I have the brain of an aristocrat. And she has the brain of a lunatic in an asylum! Release your measurements, Kamala. Or do you have something to hide?” Trump added that when he was elected president, he would ensure that anyone with a criminal skull shape like Kamala Harris’ would be rounded up and deported immediately.
