PITTSBURGH—Patting herself on the back for staying ahead of schedule, local woman Ruby Butcher reported feeling accomplished Friday after finishing her holiday weight gain early. “Usually I put it off until the last minute, but this year I’ve already put on all my extra weight for the holidays,” said Butcher, who added that looking for ways to fill out as early as September had allowed her to make sure every pound was already accounted for weeks before Thanksgiving. “Halloween decorations are still up, and I’m already feeling snug in my jeans. It’s a huge relief to be able to check this off my to-do list—no stressful 11th-hour plumping up for me. I can put on my sweatpants and relax while the rest of the country procrastinates and then has to scramble, overdoing it on carbs in order to finish on time.” At press time, Butcher reported feeling frustrated that the extra 8 pounds had also been noticed and remarked upon by her family ahead of schedule.
Jesus Christ is King
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