ANN ARBOR, MI ― Kitchener native Tobias Sanders took a solid five seconds today to work out the meaning of his American friend Cory Easton’s invitation to “grab some doughnut holes” at a local shop while visiting him in Michigan.
The conversation quickly descended into a passionate rant as Sanders defended the honour of both his national terminology and very basic common sense.
Despite the Canadian name amounting to free advertising for an extremely subpar iteration of the fried treat in question, Sanders contended that it still made much more physical sense than the American one.
“I mean, come on. A hole is literally defined by its emptiness. The hole of the doughnut is the part in the middle of the ring that doesn’t exist. Obviously, you can’t buy a dozen of those without buying a dozen doughnuts. And you certainly can’t eat it,” he explained at one point during the 33-minute tirade.
Sanders, like many Canadians, is willing to forgive many Americanisms that are still at least comprehensible, such as ‘traffic circle,’ ‘restroom,’ or even ‘Canadian bacon.’ However, ‘doughnut hole’ is a clear attempt to humiliate visiting Canucks by making an objectively nonsensical term so ubiquitous south of the border that somehow those confused by it are the ones who look stupid. Therefore, in a newly-created group chat with all their mutual friends in both countries, Sanders’ compatriots rushed to defend him in the face of this obvious assault on the entire nation.
Suggested alternatives included ‘doughnut ball’ and ‘donut center,’ the latter of which the Canadians would even allow to be spelled the American way, as a diplomatic act of goodwill. Political analysts have long warned of a possible chilling of the international relationship if our neighbours still refuse to acknowledge the indisputable tangibility of Timbits going forward.
However, Sanders eventually cut Easton some slack, given that Americans still struggle with even recognizing what Tim Hortons itself means, as evidenced by the words “Coffee and Bakery” commonly displayed below the name on American locations.
With the two friends reconciled enough to actually go and purchase the goods, Sanders dug around in his pockets and found only Canadian coins. This led to another existential crisis and a bout of extreme homesickness as he realized Easton was not only unfamiliar with the word ‘loonie,’ but was also fascinated by the very existence of a one-dollar coin.
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