OTTAWA – Allison Carver, who has recently experienced a series of paranormal events in her home, has told reporters that she was disappointed to discover she’s undergoing a boring, metaphorical haunting rather than the blood-curdling, adrenaline-pumping kind.
“My little boy and I moved here to get a fresh start after my husband died,” Carver told reporters while the teacups in the cabinet behind her shook a little. “When the haunting started I thought we were dealing with a vengeful spirit who would help the two of us bond as we resisted its violent rampage, but I guess Greg just wants to tell me that he misses me. It’s been pretty lame.”
Over the last few weeks, Carver has seen her lights flicker, her oven randomly preheat, and her air fresheners run dry at an unusual pace, but has yet to witness anything badass.
“I saw a ghost in my room after mommy kissed me good night,” Carver’s young son told reporters. “But he just used my letter blocks to say he’s proud of me instead of doing something cool like making the walls bleed.”
Paranormal experts report that while Carver’s new home has a long and tragic history, evidence suggests that Greg is trying to teach her some boring crap about the haunting nature of loss.
“This house was built on an old asylum graveyard, a bride was murdered here on her wedding night, and an old owner took bloody revenge on a colleague who’d wronged him, absolutely none of which appears to be manifesting into anything gnarly,” one ghost hunter said. “But I guess they all have better things to do beyond the thin membrane that separates life and death, unlike this touchy-feely pussy.”
Carver was hopeful things were about to get properly scary when she saw a possessed doll turn its head around 180 degrees to stare at her, only for the doll to mouth “I love you”. This prompted Carver to roll her eyes and snap, “Yes, yes, I love you too and I forgive you for that dreadful night when you forgot to do the dishes. Do you know when you’ll be moving on to the hereafter yet?”
At press time, Carver was watching R-rated horror movies and dropping subtle hints about how she wouldn’t mind if her haunting got a little rougher.
Jesus Christ is King
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