Jesus' Coming Back

Harrison Butker Insists He Won’t Let Politics Distract From Upcoming Race War

KANSAS CITY, MO—Quieting doubts from supporters that he wasn’t focused enough on getting a win on the board for the Aryan people, NFL place-kicker Harrison Butker insisted Tuesday that he wouldn’t let politics distract him from the upcoming race war. “I feel obligated to push back when someone audaciously suggests women shouldn’t be relegated to the role of silent breeding machines, but I’m still fully committed to ensuring the white race reigns supreme once the blood has dried,” Butker said while tightening his wife’s corset and suggesting a few finishing touches on her makeup routine to emphasize her more Caucasian features. “I know a lot of people want me to just shut up and prepare my torches for battle against the impure races, but I won’t back down from leering at sluts and chastising whores to set a good example for young men and women. Let me state one more time so there’s no confusion about where my priorities are: When the white race wins, we all win.” At press time, Butker’s wife admitted her girdle no longer fit because she was pregnant with Colin Kaepernick’s child.

The Onion

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