SPOKANE, WA—Stressing that the best move would be to just shave the whole thing off, sources confirmed Thursday that area man Stephen Blanchet’s shitty beard had barely any frolicsome woodland creatures living in it. “You can tell Stephen’s proud of his so-called beard, but there are hardly any chickadees popping out to chirp a happy tune or chipmunks scurrying through in a mirthful game of chase,” said coworker Sarah Tillotson, adding that while a cheeky screech owl would occasionally pop out when Blanchet was eating to playfully nab a bite for itself, one jovial bird of prey simply wasn’t enough to make the beard work. “Some days there’s a vole in there, but it’s depressing and lethargic instead of clumsy and excitable, like you’d hope. I think it’s gonna die, if it hasn’t already. And the baby raccoon that lives in his beard is a complete asshole and not whimsical at all. Rabid little fucker hissed at me once. I’m sorry if this sounds mean, but some guys just don’t have the genetics to grow facial hair harboring a joyous menagerie of frisky forest critters, and Stephen’s one of them.” After overhearing his coworker’s disparaging remarks, Blanchet was reportedly spotted trying to improve his beard’s appearance with a chipper family of hummingbirds.
