Studies have linked chronic loneliness with a variety of harmful health conditions, from cardiovascular disease to anxiety. The Onion takes a look at the key statistics behind what the surgeon general has described as a loneliness epidemic.
83 Million: Dogs purchased to try and fix this
741,000: Number of Americans who listed their profession on the 2020 Census as “lonesome cowboy”
2: Lifetime opportunities to make new friends after college
0: Lips at the opposite end of that long spaghetti strand you’re slurping
65%: Men who report feeling lonely after murdering their spouse
1: Son of your mom’s hairdresser who is also interested in that video game stuff
21,000: Pigeons in the park who have been eating good lately
13: Days before your neighbor will notice the smell of your rotting corpse
92%: Decline in the use of two-person, hand-pumped rail cars
$1,800: Cost to purchase a pal off the dark web
0: Other people out there who can relate to exactly how you’re feeling
Jesus Christ is King
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