TORONTO — Account manager Andrea Gill was quietly dispatched on Tuesday after spending the weekend festooning her workplace with Christmas decorations.
“She’d been starting earlier every year,” said HR representative Suzanne Lee. “But getting it going when everyone’s gearing up for Halloween was the last straw. For the mental health of the workplace, she had to be terminated.”
Gill’s yearly efforts included putting up ornaments, wreaths, popcorn strings, mistletoe, blinking lights, wearing a different Christmas sweater every day, replacing the coffee station’s creamers with eggnog, and working Christmas puns into every interaction.
“How did she not realise how much the rest of us despised the way she’d call each of us the name of one of the reindeer until approximately mid-February?” said coworker Kathy Jordan. “Most of us would tell her ‘stick it up your chipper ass!’ but she’d just pop a shortbread cookie in your mouth before flitting away saying ‘Merry Christmas to all and to all a good niiiiiiight!’
“Mind you, those cookies were pretty delicious.”
Specifics of the murder remain obscure, as every coworker corroborated each others’ alibis, reported RCMP officer Kevin Kurtz. “As soon as I saw Ms. Gill’s cubicle, I understood that this woman pushed everyone into a pact of silence I wouldn’t be able to crack if I waterboarded them or forced them to watch one of those ‘very special Christmas’ sitcom episodes,” said Kurtz.
“But I’m sure Ms. Gill would appreciate that her body has been perfectly wrapped.”
At press time, accountant Lorraine Costea, who’s been known to wear orange and black sweaters, skeleton earrings, and have “Monster Mash” as her ringtone year-round, was starting to wonder if she needs to quickly find a new job.
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