POCATELLO, ID—Shedding new light on an unfolding situation that allegedly left Mom very upset, a new report issued Tuesday through Dad’s gritted teeth indicated that you needed to come back here right this instant and apologize to your mother. “Give your mother a hug right now and tell her you’re sorry,” the report stated in part, stressing that sources have had it up to here with your attitude lately, and if they ever caught you talking to your mother that way again, they would have no problem grounding you until the end of time—and that would include the winter formal. “Go apologize now, and you better sound like you mean it! That woman does so much for you, and this is how you treat her? You are acting like a spoiled brat. Maybe your friends’ parents allow that kind of talk, but we don’t behave like that in this house.” The report concluded by threatening to pull you off the basketball team so fast your head would spin if you didn’t learn how to show your parents some goddamn respect.
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