WASHINGTON—Desperately clawing at the door in an apparent attempt to get the attention of passing aides, President Joe Biden reportedly spent Thursday whimpering from inside a locked White House supply closet. Sources confirmed that while the president received repeated assurances from senior advisor Ben LaBolt that he would be “right back,” the whining has become increasingly audible throughout the West Wing since Biden was locked inside the 5-by-5-foot chamber at 8:43 a.m. According to reports, the only successful effort to quiet the commander-in-chief’s feeble cries occurred when several aides slipped wet food under the closet’s door and informed him he was being “a very, very good president.” Although the brief lull that ensued prompted speculation that the 81-year-old had fallen asleep, vacuuming in a nearby room soon reawakened the dormant leader of the free world, who then spent several minutes fearfully scratching at the walls in an attempt to find an exit. At press time, White House chief of staff Jeff Zients was reportedly trying to stop Biden’s low moaning by stressing that if the president held out in there for just five more days, he would get a big, tasty treat.
