NORWICH, CT—Excitedly running up to dozens of houses covered in Halloween decorations, local pervert Phil Jenkins, 52, reportedly went door-to-door Thursday asking for trick-or-treaters. “Trick-or-treater, please!” said Jenkins, holding a large sack open in anticipation, his costume consisting of nothing more than a functioning ankle monitor. “Oh cool, a full-size Darth Vader! Can I please take two of them? I don’t have that many yet. Later on, I’m going to meet up with my friend to trade—I know he likes the little ones the best.” At press time, sources confirmed Jenkins was lamenting the fact that it was much easier when houses just left their kids outside for him to grab on his own.
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