CLEVELAND—Discussing how his season-ending injury had inspired him to explore other interests, Cleveland Browns quarterback Deshaun Watson told reporters this week that now might be a good time to get into dog fighting. “Before, my life was just football, but now I actually have the time, energy, and drive to get into hobbies like canine blood sport,” said Watson, adding that his Achilles tendon surgery and expected recovery of six to nine months had given him a “rare and beautiful” opportunity to finally begin buying and training pit bulls to illegally fight each other to the death in his basement. “In some ways, it’s been hard not being able to go to practice every day, but this might just be the kick I need to start chaining up starved dogs outside my house and then unleashing them in a ring while my friends and I cheer. Up until now, I’ve just never had the capacity to really explore animal abuse. But luckily, that all changes today.” At press time, Cleveland Browns fans announced they had already forgiven Watson for the federal felony charges, conviction, and prison sentence that he would inevitably face.
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