BRYANT POND, ME—Describing the moment as a “transformative experience” that inspired him to embrace God and read the Bible, a piss-soaked Tucker Carlson claimed Friday that a demon had urinated on him while he was sleeping. “One moment I was asleep in bed, and the next, my boxers were absolutely soaked with what could only be the urine of an evil spirit,” said the former Fox News host, who added that while he did not previously consider himself a religious person, everything changed when he woke up to a rush of hot liquid covering his groin. “Lying there, I felt this terrible pressure in my bladder, almost as if a demon was sitting on it. Then it unleashed a torrent of urine that drenched my pajamas and my mattress, which still bear the scars.” At press time, Carlson claimed that embracing God had successfully helped ward off every evil spirit except for the one that occasionally visits him and covers the inside of his underwear in semen.
