TORONTO – With Queen’s Park ordering the removal of the city’s bike lane infrastructure, an exasperated Toronto has offered to start calling Ontario Premier Doug Ford “Mayor”, thus satiating his lifelong yearning for the job, if he just stopped trying to ruin the city and got back to the job of managing the rest of the province.
“To be honest, I give in,” said the actual mayor of Toronto, Olivia Chow, on Friday afternoon. “Every week it’s something new. I never even wear my “Mayor” sash: he can have it. I’ll send it by bike courier while it’s still safe to do so.”
“He can even cut the ribbons in front of new parks if he gives us back the Science Centre. And if he doesn’t sell one of our most prominent waterfront areas to a private spa chain we’ll even let him be the one who calls the mayor of the opposing city when our sports teams are playing and makes a dumb little bet. He’ll love that.”
Aides from the city were also dispatched to the Premier’s office uptown where they were redecorating, installing a new City of Toronto flag, and scratching out the word Premier in the nameplate on the door. Marit Stiles was brought in and agreed to call herself “a leftist city councilor” in the Premier’s presence instead of her actual title “Leader of the Official Opposition of Ontario.”
“Obviously it’s a bit ridiculous. But if bowing to him and saying ‘good morning Mr. Mayor’ stops me from getting run over by a pickup truck during my morning bike ride to work I’m willing to do it,” said local cyclist Peter Perkins.
If none of these steps work Torontonians were hoping they could try to redirect Ford to ruining another, less important city, by telling him how the woke Libs down in Sarnia were making a real mess of things.
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