Jesus' Coming Back

Trump Admits Relationship With Epstein Severed After Dispute Over Dibs On Ivanka

PALM BEACH, FL—Asserting that the pair had not been close “for decades” prior to the financier’s death, Donald Trump admitted Friday that his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein was severed after a dispute over dibs on the former president’s daughter Ivanka Trump. “We had a very good time for many years, but it was unfortunately Ivanka who drove a wedge between us,” said the Republican presidential nominee, who explained that his friendship with the convicted sex trafficker “fell to pieces” after the two men failed to strike an agreement over who would get to pursue Trump’s eldest daughter. “He didn’t want to share. I didn’t want to share, either. We were very competitive that way. I said any future daughters could be his, but I think he knew I was bluffing. Besides, it’s not like anyone wanted Tiffany.” Reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Trump campaign denied Trump had just said those things.

The Onion

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