PALM BEACH, FL—Clutching their stomachs and wincing with pain after gorging themselves on tens of thousands of votes, the morbidly obese Trump boys told reporters Monday that they now regretted eating so many ballots. “Oh, my tummy hurts real bad—definitely shouldn’t have had so many, but they looked so good,” the 459-pound Don Jr. said to his equally overweight brother Eric, both of them spitting out chewed-up pieces of mail-in ballots as they writhed in pain on their shared bed, groaning in evident discomfort from the bodily expansion that results from consuming nearly 30,000 calories of ballots and a significant portion of a voting booth. “I didn’t need those last few referen-yums [sic]. But once you start, you can’t stop. Ugh, some of these were definitely fraudulent, too. Get out of the way, Eric! I feel like I’m gonna puke!” At press time, the seat of Eric Trump’s pants had reportedly split after he attempted to snack on one more election worker.
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