KANSAS CITY, MO—Forging an unlikely alliance with the “dorky” team statistician, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce reportedly enlisted a nerd Monday to help him pass NFL concussion protocol. “I can do all the physical stuff like balance just fine, but when they get to all those tricky questions like ‘What year is it? What month is it?’ I totally blank,” said Kelce, who promised the shy social reject that in exchange for helping him pass the memory assessment known as Maddocks’ questions, he would introduce him to Taylor Swift’s friend Sabrina Carpenter. “You’re kind of a dweeb, but also a genius. With the help of someone as smart as you, I bet I can totally remember the name of the stadium we’re at. And if all else fails, you’ll have to dress up as me and just take it for me. Don’t do too good though, or they’ll know it’s not really me.” At press time, the nerd was drilling Kelce by repeatedly asking “What day is your birthday?” while the panicked All Pro tight end shouted back “I don’t know.”
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