FOXBOROUGH, MA—Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had selected Gillette Stadium for her election night watch party. “I think 65,000 seats should be enough to fit everyone, but we can always have overflow in the parking lot if need be,” said the self-assured Green Party presidential nominee, beaming excitedly from her place on the stage as she looked out at the three supporters who had already assembled to watch the election coverage with her. “Booking this place was worth every penny. No one shows up to these parties early, but they’ll start trickling in soon, and a few hours from now this place will be heaving. It’s gonna look so cool when we drop all those President Stein balloons I ordered. I can already hear the roar of the crowd as I become America’s 47th president! I’ll see if they can queue up some green lasers for the moment when my 270th Electoral College vote comes in. And I can tell my victory speech will be one for the history books—though maybe I should try to pare it down to 45 minutes while we’re waiting for the votes to come in.” At press time, sources confirmed that Stein had gone ahead and booked the stadium again for 2028.
