Pennsylvania Election Officials Sadly Announce They Have Misplaced All Their Voting Machines
PHILADELPHIA — As Trump began to take the lead in Pennsylvania exit polls, state officials announced they had accidentally misplaced all of their voting machines.
“I’m sorry to say that all of the election machines are gone,” said Pennsylvania Secretary of State Al Schmidt. “I turned around and they were all gone somehow. We have absolutely no idea how this happened and we are very sad about it.”
Looking pensive, Schmidt then mused aloud, “Maybe they never existed.”
Local voters are demanding answers and reportedly feel that government authorities are being less than transparent in how they handle the issue. “Voting machines don’t just grow legs and walk away,” said Harry Port, a concerned Pittsburgh voter.
The Secretary of State has assured voters he’s doing everything he can to locate the machines, including blaming Russia. “All possibilities are on the table, except the possibility that this is our fault,” Schmidt confirmed. “It’s possible they sprouted wings and flew far, far away. It’s possible they were stolen in the night by a band of ninjas. We’ll for sure get to the bottom of it.”
At publishing time, election officials had sadly told thousands of residents they would have to wait until the next election to vote.
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